I hate squirrels.

A mosquito is tiny. It has a tiny little spec of a brain; the size of a flake of dust. Yet it is infinitely smarter than a squirrel. I don’t understand it. A mosquito can smell your ripe blood up to 2 miles away and follow your scent for its meal. It can maneuver its body to avoid your swats. It can finagle its way through screen holes at night in order to get you while you’re sleeping- screen holes on screens that us big humans with our big human brains specifically designed to keep mosquitoes out.
A squirrel has a brain approximating the size of a walnut; shelled. Compared to a mosquito, the squirrel should be able to grasp quantum physics. No. The squirrel cannot grasp quantum physics. The squirrel cannot grasp the basic laws of physics. The squirrel doesn’t even possess a basic understanding of mortality.
Case in point: I was riding home last night and while descending the steepest, longest, fastest hill on my ride, I noticed a furry lump in the middle of the roadway near the bottom. It looked like a squirrel carcass and I assumed it had been hit by a car like so many squirrels before it. As my speed approached 40 mph and I approached the lump of fur, suddenly it sprang to life! The squirrel jumped to its feet and skittered across the roadway directly into my path; then stopped and spun and bounded in the opposite direction; stopped again, turned a 180, and raced for a short distance back in front of me... All the while, I am jerking and flinching and leaning left and right, desperately trying to avoid this crazed little maniac. I was in full aero tuck with my hands way out on the brake hoods (if you’ve ridden or seen mustache handlebars, you know there is no way to brake from this position).
Finally all the laws of physics made themselves known and our paths crossed. The little bugger was still spinning and skittering about when my front tire met him. Luckily (for both of us) I merely ran over his tail. At the moment I crossed over him, I remember thinking I wish I had wheels made of blades. But after it was over, I was just glad to have stayed upright. Immediately I grabbed the brakes so I could sit up and turn my head around in order to scold the stupid stupid stupid little creature. That’s when I noticed there was a car just behind me with passengers watching the whole ordeal.